It was exactly a year ago that I wrote on this blog about how near death our precious then-17-year-old Phenix was, asking how does one know when it's time? Through the miracles of medicine we learned she had kidney failure and it was just a matter of time until her organs shut down, but that if we injected her daily with fluids this would flush her kidneys out each day, and we could prolong her life for an indefinte period.
One year ago to the day, almost, I began giving her daily injections of fluids with several vitamins and other medicines, and within days she had risen from near-ashes to become an active, older version of the cat she'd always been. She did well for several months and at times we were able to live in the illusion she might go on for years. But in the last two months she began going downhill fairly rapidly, though she still had some good days. We doubled her fluids and began feeding her baby food and fresh chicken. 
She was up and down constantly until 2 weeks ago when she quit eating, and from there her downhill was rapid. Toward the end I couldn't even give her fluids because there just wasn't anything into which to inject them.
All week we asked ourselves "Is it time? Is it time?" and we simply couldn't make the decision to take her in. Yesterday I knew it was time, and had made an appointment to take her in late yesterday. But when Dave came home he said he just couldn't do it; he just couldn't take her in. He slept next to her on the couch all night, his head touching hers, waking up to hold her when she shook and quivered, and this would calm her down. He said it was the least he could do since he hadn't been able to make the decision to put her down.
At 5 a.m. this morning Dave picked her up as she began to twitch, and she died in his arms with 2 long sighs. We brought the kittens over to see her, but 
they'd known all week what was going on, and were even taking turns lying with her throughout the day. We buried her in the backyard next to her favorite mousing spot, and are more grateful than ever to have the kittens to focus on. Here's a photo of Phenix's old friend Rajah sleeping next to her, with Smokey on the left (and Cade, Phenix's teddy bear below). Rajah, now 19, will be following Phenix soon. He still eats a lot, but can barely walk these days.
We've now done cat deaths both ways: taking one into the vet, and letting one die on her own, and I can say that each one is equally as horrible, and you can never know "the right thing to do" until the moment is upon you.
Dear Paula
I have come to look at your blog after you posted on Belle Papier. I am very new to Belle Papier but am passionate about art, writing and creativity in general. Your blog is just magnificent and captures my imagination in so many ways.
But I must say it was this post about your beloved Phenix which really touched me very deeply. I am not sure how we will cope when we have to say goodbye to either of our Cavalier King Charles Spaniels and like you we will cling on as long as we can.
thanks for sharing
Heather
Posted by: Heather Blakey | March 14, 2006 at 10:40 PM
Paula, I'm so sorry to hear... your entry had me in tears. It is so hard to lose a beloved pet. Hugs, Adriane
Posted by: Adriane Giberson (aka 'artyfartychicky') | March 04, 2006 at 06:34 PM
It's always hard to let them go. Hugs to you and yours.
Posted by: Cathy | February 17, 2006 at 10:39 AM
Paula... I'm so sorry to hear... I know exactly how it feels (unfortunately).
lisa
Posted by: lisa | February 13, 2006 at 09:45 AM
Paula, what a beauty she was, and what a great eulogy you have given for her here. It is uncanny how the other cats "knew," but animals pay better attention to energy waning than we do, I think. So, now there is Rajah and the kitties. Like everything in life, we are always on loan to each other, aren't we?
Posted by: Fran aka Redondowriter | February 11, 2006 at 12:30 PM
Oh {{{{hugs}}}Paula and to your husband as well...I know this is sooo hard. What a wonderful life with such great 'parents'...Phenix is feeling well right now and I'm sure Twinkle is showing your love around at Rainbow Bridge right now... oh fur babies are just so part of us and what a wonderful love it is. Thinking of you during this time.
Posted by: PJ | February 11, 2006 at 12:15 PM
Oh, Paula, I can't imagine how bittersweet this past year has been for you, swinging between hope for the best and surrender to the inevitable. What a lucky cat phenix was to have lived under yours and Dave's loving hands. I'm so sorry for your loss, and so glad you have the other kitties to break the fall.
love,
ellie
Posted by: ellie | February 11, 2006 at 08:47 AM
Phenix was indeed a lucky cat, having wonderful caregivers like you and Dave. It is hard to say good bye to such a good friend.....rest in peace, Phenix - you were loved and will be remembered.
Posted by: Gina | February 11, 2006 at 08:02 AM
Paula, I am so sad for you and Dave. I know how difficult this last year has been. Much love to all of you.
Posted by: Deb T | February 11, 2006 at 08:02 AM
Ah, dear Phenix. Gone peacefully and surrounded by love. What more could any living creature want?
The photograph of the other cats surrounding the Departing One is so beautiful. Yes - they do know, of course, don't they?
My heart aches for you and Dave - but you could not have done more. Give yourselves and the other feline companions a BIG love, from me and Lissie XXXXXXXX
Posted by: Roz Cawley | February 11, 2006 at 03:04 AM